Word of the Week: Yankee Candle

Response: “You know what would make a great Yankee Candle scent? Cabdriver BO.”

Word(s) of the Week: ‘Friday after Thanksgiving’

Response: In the spirit of Thanksgiving ‘pants’ this person in front of everyone present. Even if it costs you your job, or a valued personal relationship, it’s your duty to follow-through as a subscriber to these weekly postings.

Word of the Week: Marmot

Response: Whenever you hear the word marmot, tell the person nearest you that you were adopted as a child. However, due to a paperwork mixup at the agency you were sent to a family of Marmots for your first year of life. You were tagged, given a radar collar and studied by South African scientists until they realized you weren’t a marmot, but a human baby.

Word of the Week: Thanksgiving

Response: Ask if you can join them at their family’s table for the “glorious feast of Thanksgiving”, and if you can bring the candied yams. Pause and enjoy as they try to calculate a response. Works best with people you hardly know. Caution: Do not try with the elderly, you will likely have to follow through.

Word of the Week: Pumpkin

Response: “Hey, I’m carving pumpkins tonight, would you like to come over?”……”FYI, by ‘carving’ I mean ‘drinking’, and by ‘pumpkins’ I mean ‘Colt 45′ “.

Word of the Week: Manila Folder

Response: “Manila Folders - weren’t those invented in the Philippenes?”

Word (Phrase) of the Week: “Nice to meet you”

Response: Take off your shoes, hand them to the person and respond “Nice to meet you too, here, take my shoes”. Stand back and enjoy their reaction, whatever it may be.

Word of the Week: Holy Cow

Response: Pull their pants down and run in the other direction

Word of the Week: Lemon

Response: Go to the store and buy some lemons. Immediately upon your return cut some lemon slices, tackle the person to the ground and rub them in their eyes. We realize we’ve been posting violent responses lately…and we’re not sure why…but you still need to do it.

Word of the Week: Wristwatch

Response: Punch them in the face

Word of the Week: Ball-point Pen

Response: Draw a pair of glasses around their eyes and ears.

WORD OF THE WEEK: Cat

RESPONSE: Nonchalantly begin cleaning your head like a cat (you know…lick your hand and rub it on your hair/face/neck/etc.). This is sure to raise an eyebrow…and probably make you smell funny for the remainder of the day.

9/25/06

WORD OF THE DAY: Water

RESPONSE: “Waiter, no - What? - no wait - wafer? - I’m sorry, can you repeat yourself?”

9/21/06

WORD OF THE DAY: Autumn

RESPONSE: “You autumn shut your pie hole!”

9/20/06

WORD OF THE DAY: Discombobulated (sp?)

RESPONSE: “You mean like this?” Then proceed with a severe wedgie.

9/19/06

WORD OF THE DAY: Granite

RESPONSE: “Granite - don’t take it for…granite!” Start laughing hysterically, slapping your knee, like you just heard the funniest joke in the world. Abruptly stop.

9/18/06

WORD OF THE DAY: Thumb Tack

RESPONSE: “How would you like your eggs?” (Doesn’t make much sense to me either - just say it)

9/15/06

WORD OF THE DAY: Presentation

RESPONSE: “I have a presentation”. Roll up your sleeve and proudly present your elbow. Then say “I proudly present my elbow”.

9/14/06

WORD OF THE DAY: Tartar Sauce

RESPONSE: Fake gag. Follow up with “Sorry, I always gag when I hear the word Tartar Sauce”. Immediately gag again (because you just said Tartar Sauce). Then say “See - there I go again - I said Tartar Sauce.” Immediately gag again. Repeat until satisfied.

9/13/06

WORD OF THE DAY: Hole Punch

RESPONSE: Punch them in the mouth. When they come around to asking you why you did that say “because you asked for a hole punch - so I punched you in your mouth hole”. (editors note: I have problems)

9/12/06

WORD OF THE DAY: Tattoo

RESPONSE: “I have a tattoo, would you like to see it?”. Start unbuckling your belt and say “oh….I forgot…I’m not wearing underwear today, forget it.”

9/11/06

Simply put - take a moment to pay respect to those who lost their lives five years ago today, and say a prayer to those out there fighting for our freedom. Without it we wouldn’t be living the life we have today, stupid tees and all.

9/8/06

WORD OF THE DAY: TGIF

RESPONSE: “What does that mean?”. When they presumably explain ‘Thank God It’s Friday’, blanky stare at them and say “I don’t get it?”. Keep this act up until you’ve made yourself look like a total idiot.

9/7/06

WORD OF THE DAY: Tomato

RESPONSE: Say “You mean Tomato” (pronounced the fancy way - you know the song…you say tomato, I say tomaaatooo). If they happen to say it the fancy way, say “You mean Tomato”, the regular way. Or - if you’re feeling like this isn’t interesting enough. Say “You mean tomato”, and pronounce tomato exactly the same way they said it - when they say “that’s what I said”, say “exactly”.

9/6/06

WORD OF THE DAY: Sweater Vest

RESPONSE: Staring directly at the person who says this start applying lip balm, don’t stop until you’ve used it all.

9/5/06

WORD OF THE DAY: Post It Note

RESPONSE: When you get back to your office/room, cover yourself head to toe in post-it notes. Return to the person and say “I was bringing you some post it notes, and I tripped and fell”.

9/1/06

WORD OF THE DAY: September

RESPONSE: Shove a cinnamon donut in their face and pour a hot cup of Pumpkin Spice coffee on their crotch. (editors note: seriously - think twice about pouring hot coffee on someones crotch. although it’s a funny idea, it may not be a great one.)

8/31/06

WORD OF THE DAY: Athlete

RESPONSE: “Oh - that reminds me”. Take your shoes and socks off, start scratching your feet feverishly and say “I’ve got a severe case of athlete’s foot”. As you’re parting ways rub them on the back with same hand you just itched with.

8/30/06

WORD OF THE DAY: Jellyfish

RESPONSE: “If you don’t mind. I have a phobia of stinging invertebrates. Thanks.” Carry on.

8/29/06

WORD OF THE DAY: Shoehorn

RESPONSE: “Your mom’s a shoehorn”. Actually - that’s a funny t-shirt idea.

8/28/06

WORD OF THE DAY: Houseplant

RESPONSE: Laughing, say “OK”. Then take your shirt off. When they look at you either inquisitely, or scared, say “What?”.

8/25/06

WORD OF THE DAY: Barbecue

RESPONSE: “What did you just say about Bob Becue?”

8/24/06

WORD OF THE DAY: Colin Powell

RESPONSE: Laugh, say “you said Colin”.

8/23/06

WORD OF THE DAY: Moon

RESPONSE: Simply Put - Moon them. For - 37 seconds.

8/22/06

WORD OF THE DAY: Sober

RESPONSE: Respond “Oh yeah, thanks for reminding me”. Then pull a bottle of moonshine out of your pocket and drink the entire thing in front of them. Then state “That outta fix that”. Follow up with a violent burp.

8/21/06

WORD OF THE DAY: Monday

RESPONSE: Start crying. Don’t stop until it’s Friday.

8/18/06

WORD OF THE DAY: President

RESPONSE: During lunch kidnap the president of your company (a la Christmas Vactation). Deliver them to the person like a present and say Merry Christmas!

8/17/06

WORD OF THE DAY: Binder Clip

RESPONSE: Punch them in the stomach as hard as you can. When they drop to the ground, point down to them laughing as hard as you can. When they look up at you gasping for air, suprisedly reply “oh, wait, did that really hurt? I thought you were kidding, sorry.”

8/16/06

WORD OF THE DAY: Shoelace

RESPONSE: Take the shoelaces out of your shoes and give them to the perpetrator tomorrow as a gift. Wrap them up in a small giftbox w/ a bow - accompany with flowers and a greeting card about new love. When you bring them to the person tomorrow say “I’ve got a gift for you!”. Smiling eerily watch them open it. After they open it, and presumably tell you to get away - walk away and violently trip/kick your shoes off. Get up and quietly mutter “son of a bitch - i don’t have any shoelaces”.

8/15/06

WORD OF THE DAY: Australia

RESPONSE: Decorate the persons office/dormroom w/ garden gnomes tonight while their sleeping.

8/14/06

WORD OF THE DAY: Scotch Tape

RESPONSE: This one takes a little planning ahead. Rig up your scotch tape dispenser so it comes out through the ‘fly’ of your pants/shorts or from under your skirt. When the person says ’scotch tape’ - pull down your fly and pull some tape out of your pants and give it to them. When they presumably freak out on you, or stand there in awe, respond very seriously “Scotch tape?….oh, I thought you meant crotch tape. I don’t have any Scotch tape, sorry”. Tell them to see “Heather”, then shrug your shoulders, turn around and walk away.

7/20/06

WORD OF THE DAY: Plethora

RESPONSE: “Do you even know what a plethora is?”

7/19/06

WORD OF THE DAY: Guacamole

RESPONSE: Sing guacamole like the 80’s song “amadeus”. Guacamole Guacamole…Guacamole.

7/18/06

WORD OF THE DAY: Antiques Roadshow

RESPONSE: Show the person a pen, tell them you once brought that pen to the Antiques Roadshow and they appraised it at $0.05. Start chewing on it.

7/17/06

WORD OF THE DAY: Nougat

RESPONSE: “Nougat?! - How dare you speak of nougat in front of me!”

7/14/06

WORD OF THE DAY: Secret

RESPONSE: Ask them if they can keep a secret and tell them youre the newest member of the XMEN. When they ask what your power is, tell them it’s the ability to eat and digest food. Take a bite of a doughnut, nod your head slowly and walk away.

7/13/06

WORD OF THE DAY: Potato Salad

RESPONSE: “Shhhh, that’s going to be the name of my first born!”

7/12/06

WORD OF THE DAY: Colorado

RESPONSE: Scream out the most annoying sound in the world. A la Jim Carrey in Dumb and Dumber

7/11/06

WORD OF THE DAY: Legends of the Fall

RESPONSE: Um, I onced lived in Montana and was in World War I, and went crazy, and became a sailor, and a hunter, and my brother started a grain brokerage in Helena, a city turned modern overnight.

7/10/06

WORD OF THE DAY: VCR

RESPONSE: Stand up in front of the room and slowly pee your pants.

7/7/06

WORD OF THE DAY: Freckle

RESPONSE: respond “oh yeah!, well you should see my psoriasis!”

7/6/06

WORD OF THE DAY: Banana

RESPONSE: Instantaneously start doing the ‘running man’ singing “This sh*t is bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S!”

7/5/06

WORD OF THE DAY: Work

RESPONSE: Kick them in the shin. Tell them to ‘watch their language’.

6/30/06

WORD OF THE DAY: Door

RESPONSE: Start sucking your thumb and rocking yourself back and forth. If at work - don’t stop until you get fired. If anywhere else, just wait until everyone walks away.

6/29/06

WORD OF THE DAY: Ridiculous

RESPONSE: “Ridiculous? That’s ridiculous!”

6/28/06

WORD OF THE DAY: Big Gulp

RESPONSE: Go to 7-11 and buy a Big Gulp and some tube socks. Bring them to the person who said Big Gulp. When they say “hey, you brought me a Big Gulp!” say “and I brought you some tube socks”.

6/27/06

WORD OF THE DAY: Lamp

RESPONSE: Laughing histerically say “Lamp…yeah..thats funny!”. Keep laughing.

6/26/06

WORD OF THE DAY: Police

RESPONSE: Say “Police! Where?” Look back and forth frantically, then take off running as fast as possible. Stay out of communication for 2 days. Upon you’re return tell them you had some ‘business’ to take care of - and ask them if they’d like to see something ‘really cool’.

6/23/06

WORD OF THE DAY: Fancy Pants

RESPONSE: Look at their pants & shake your head in disapproval. Take a marker and draw some squiggly lines and polka dots on their pants. Then stand back, nod your head with a confident approval and say “now those are some fancy pants!”. Continue smiling and nodding slowly.

6/22/06

WORD OF THE DAY: Rouge

RESPONSE: Tackle the person to the ground and give them a ‘pink belly’.

6/21/06

WORD OF THE DAY: Lemon Tart

RESPONSE: If someone around you says this - that means there are lemon tarts nearby. Your response will be to locate said lemon tart and eat it.

6/20/06

WORD OF THE DAY: Serious

RESPONSE: Say “Surely you can’t be serious”. If the person says “I am, and stop calling me Shirley”, give them a dollar, because that’s one of the funniest movie lines ever.

6/19/06

WORD OF THE DAY: Jet Lag

RESPONSE: If you’re me - then you fall asleep - because that’s what I am today after two weeks in Cali. The best and worst state ever.

5/12/06

WORD OF THE DAY: Challenge

RESPONSE: Whenever someone says the word of the day get very defensive and respond “You want a challenge?! You’ve got a challenge!” Then grab their hand, thumbwrestle them, take both hands and pin their thumb down and say “There - how’s that for a challenge!”.

5/11/06

WORD OF THE DAY: Crab

RESPONSE: Apply your most fierce Boston Crab on the perpetrator.

5/10/06

WORD OF THE DAY: Peanut Butter

RESPONSE: Sing the peanut butter and jelly song (peanut, peanut butter….and jelly. Fluffer, fluffernutter…)

5/09/06

WORD OF THE DAY: Hiatus

RESPONSE: Don’t publish a new word of the day for a week and a half…whoops - already done that, sorry!

4/28/06

WORD OF THE DAY: Toner

RESPONSE: Regail them in a story about your childhood Garbage Pail Kid’s collection, specifically your favorite card Babbling Brooke.

4/27/06

WORD OF THE DAY: Appetizer

RESPONSE: Start laughing hysterically for 4 seconds, immediately afterwards keep a straight face like you’re on trial.

4/26/06

WORD OF THE DAY: Hello

RESPONSE: Stand up, put your hand up palm side up and say “how” like a Native American.

4/25/06

WORD OF THE DAY: Meeting

RESPONSE: Say “how about my hand meeting your face” - then slap them in the face.

4/24/06

WORD OF THE DAY: Chicken Nuggets

RESPONSE: Make up a dance and song about chicken nuggets, execute immediately.

4/21/06

WORD OF THE DAY: “Does anyone have any questions?”

RESPONSE: Stand up and scream “I object” as if you were in a courtroom drama.

4/20/06

WORD OF THE DAY: Beef

RESPONSE: Pull up your shirt and do the truffle shuffle.

4/19/06

WORD OF THE DAY: Coffee

RESPONSE: Sing the theme to the A-Team. Feel free to improvise a dance to accompany your performance.

4/18/06

WORD OF THE DAY: Yellow

RESPONSE: Who you callin’ yellow? Then point your finger like a gun, cock your thumb back, make a gunshot sound and blow at the tip of your finger - like the bad ass outlaw you are.

4/17/06

WORD OF THE DAY: Meatball

RESPONSE: I like meatblls.

4/14/06

WORD OF THE DAY: Friday

RESPONSE: Moonwalk slowly away from the person, once you’re 10 feet away do a funky spin around on your toes and just leave.

4/13/06

WORD OF THE DAY: Two

RESPONSE: Like Austin Powers shout “who does number two work for! Who does number two work for!”

4/12/06

WORD OF THE DAY: Pregnant

RESPONSE: Run as fast as you can in the opposite direction.

4/11/06

WORD OF THE DAY: Eyebrows

RESPONSE: Take a pen, walk upto the person and fill in the spot between their eyebrows to make a ‘unibrow’.

4/10/06

WORD OF THE DAY: Stapler

RESPONSE: Take your stapler and staple their shirt to their back.

4/6/06

WORD OF THE DAY: “Let’s go to luch”

RESPONSE: “How about you go to hell and die!” Stare them straight in the eye and don’t blink for 3 seconds. Afterwards start laughing and say “Just kidding - let’s go to lunch, I’m starving!”. Put your arm around them and squeeze gently.

4/5/06

WORD OF THE DAY: Coffee

RESPONSE: “Oh, I stopped drinking coffee years ago after my accident - but my lawyer say’s I’m not supposed to talk about that”

4/4/06

WORD OF THE DAY: Tornado

RESPONSE: Spinning rapidly like a tornado - start circling the person next to you while whistling and blowing like a tornado.

4/3/06

WORD OF THE DAY: Oprah Winfrey

RESPONSE: Snap your fingers - repeat “oh no you di’nt!” twice.

3/31/06

WORD OF THE DAY: Fudgicle

RESPONSE: Take off your shoes and give them to the person, run away as fast as possible while they stand there holding your shoes.

3/30/06

WORD OF THE DAY: Animal

RESPONSE: Tell them about your imaginary pet iguana named Rupert, and that if they don’t buy you lunch you’re going to ’sick’ him on them.

3/29/06

WORD OF THE DAY: Pot Roast

RESPONSE: Start “freaking” the person up close and repeat “all I wanna do is a zoom zoom and a boom boom. Just Shake Your Rump”

3/28/06

WORD OF THE DAY: Sandwich

RESPONSE: State “do you like sandwiches, I like sandwiches, can I be your friend?”

3/27/06

WORD OF THE DAY: Cellphone

RESPONSE: Do your best rendition of Randy “Macho Man” Savage’s “Snap into a Slim Jim” - followed by piledriving the persons head into the ground.

3/22/06

WORD OF THE DAY: Pants

RESPONSE: Pull your pants off, hand them to the person and say “I got your god damned pants right here!”

3/21/06

WORD OF THE DAY: Good Morning

RESPONSE: Pump your fist like the ‘dogpound’ at the arsenio show.

3/20/06

WORD OF THE DAY: Television

RESPONSE: Fall to the ground and sleep for 3 days - hope that you don’t wake up buried.

3/17/06

WORD OF THE DAY: Ankle

RESPONSE: Say “Ankle!, I knew a girl named Ankle back in ‘Nam. Let’s just say - she knew how to use her Ankles.”

3/16/06

WORD OF THE DAY: Gas Station

RESPONSE: State very “matter-of-factly” that pickles are on sale for $1.25 at the market this week. Continue with the conversation like you never even said it.

3/15/06

WORD OF THE DAY: Wine Cooler

RESPONSE: Just slap whoever says this in the face.

3/14/06

WORD OF THE DAY: Jacket

RESPONSE: Say “I pity the fool who don’t eat my cereal” slightly under your breath yet just loud enough for the person to hear you. If they ask you what you just said respond “oh, nothing” and start laughing hysterically.

3/13/06

WORD OF THE DAY: Bottled Water

RESPONSE: ‘Freeze’ in place for 10 seconds (speech, physical movements, blinking…everything - like your a mannequin). After 10 seconds has passed ‘unfreeze’ yourself with a loud and animated “Glory Glory Hallelujah!”, do a James Brown spin and continue where you left off like nothing ever happened.

3/10/06

WORD OF THE DAY: Bees

RESPONSE: Run around frantically screaming “Bees! Bees!” - No matter how many people try and calm you down or convince you that there are no bees, do not stop until you are either kicked out of the building or the police arrive.

3/9/06

WORD OF THE DAY: Stepping Stool

RESPONSE: Sing “stepping stool, stepping stool, I love you” at the same time hold your arms out and slowly spin around twice.

3/8/06

WORD OF THE DAY: Hello

RESPONSE: Punch them directly in the mouth then say “watch your mouth in front of the lady”.

3/7/06

WORD OF THE DAY: Urinal

RESPONSE: This one takes a little planning ahead. Keep a urinal cake on you during the entire day. When you hear the word urinal - or see someone using one - pull the urinal cake out of your pocket and start eating it. Once your mouth is completely full of urinal cake, crack a smile when they’re looking at you, then swallow it - show a grimaced face (will probably happen automatically)- turn around and walk away.

3/6/06

WORD OF THE DAY: Walter Cronkite

RESPONSE: Give the person to your immediate left a flying roundhouse kick to the stomach - Chuck Norris style. Grow a red beard immediately afterwards.

3/3/06

WORD OF THE DAY: Strombolie

RESPONSE: Sing the following in the style of “Jam On It” from the 80’s. “Strombolie, Strombolie, Strom Strom Strombolie”. Accompany with a cool robotic version of the wave.

3/2/06

WORD OF THE DAY: Moist Towelette

RESPONSE: Run head first into the first wall you see - drop to the ground and start twitching. Don’t stop until at least 3 people are huddled over you asking if you’re o.k. Then get up and and ask everyone “What the hell do you want?”

3/1/06

WORD OF THE DAY: Twinkie

RESPONSE: Pretend to cry and say “we lost alot of good men out there”. Turn around, walk away slowly.

2/27/06

WORD OF THE DAY: Rutabaga

RESPONSE: Drop to the ground and do a backspin.

2/23/06

WORD OF THE DAY: Pamphlet

RESPONSE: Scream “I Like Potatoes” at the top of your lungs and pee in your pants (not too much, just a little so it makes a dark spot). Follow it up by not blinking for 30 seconds.